Harry's Incredible Adventure Time
by Sara Winters
Summary: One event after another leads Harry down a strange path. Can his friends save him before it's too late? Plus, Hermione has a secret, Tonks is coming on strong and Snape...well, best not to spoil it. A collaborative effort of The Teachers' Lounge.
1. The Thief's Downfall

Harry slammed the top of his trunk down and looked around in panic. He knew he was alone in his dorm room, but the thought of anyone seeing him with...it was enough to make him paranoid. He glanced at the dark fireplace and to both windows. Nothing shone through but light from the full moon. Taking a deep breath, he opened the trunk again. He was going to be in so much trouble when Snape realized it was missing. Besides, what would he say? Someone had just put it in his trunk? That was true. Not that the truth would matter to Snape once he got started. Just when Harry was considering burning the damn thing and scattering the ashes in the lake, the door opened behind him and he jumped as someone walked in.

"Oi!" said Ron, "you got something to eat? I'm starving." Harry surreptitiously slid it under his dress robe. He shrugged in a way that he hoped was nonchalant. Ron walked closer. "What ya got there?"

"N-nothing," Harry stammered, but Ron was not fooled. He made a grab for Harry's trunk, pulling away the dress robes and revealing what lay underneath.

"You didn't?" he gasped in a voice that was both awed and horrified. "Bloody hell, mate. Snape's going to murder you!"

"Thanks, Ron," Harry snapped. He began to pace, dread setting in. "That's helpful- not a conclusion I could've come to on my own."

"Then why did you do it?" Ron whispered, looking around to make sure the dorm was still empty.

"I didn't! It was an accident!"

Ron looked sceptical.

"How d'you steal something like that by accident?" he demanded. "You must've picked it up for a reason."

Harry reddened. "Well, yeah," he admitted. "How could I not be curious when I saw what was written at the top? You'd've done the same if you'd had the chance."

Just then, Harry felt an odd sensation on the back of his neck- almost an itch, but not quite. He reached up to scratch it, but then noticed his hands. "MERLIN'S NIPPLES!" A light blue rash was spreading across his skin.

"Er... don't move, okay?" Ron said, panicked. "I'll go get Hermione."

By the time Ron returned, flushed and breathless, with an equally breathless Hermione in tow, the rash was covering Harry's face and arms. They found him staring at the mirror in horror.

Hermione turned him around and regarded him dispassionately.

"Looks like a Protection Curse," she said matter-of-factly. "Unfortunately I have no idea what to do about it. I'll go to the Library."

She left as quickly as she had arrived, leaving the boys alone.


	2. Women Kick Ass

Before Ron could announce he was hungry (because Harry could read the expression on his face), three things happened at once. The window next to his bed exploded inward, showering both he and Ron with glass. The fire in the fireplace and every lantern in the room went out, leaving the entire room pitched into darkness. And a thundering voice called into the room. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOU?" Harry frowned. Who the bloody hell is that?

Harry reached for his wand, but was pushed back by someone.

A familiar female voice said, "I hope what you were planning didn't have anything to do with his nether regions. That's my territory."

"Tonks? What the hell is going on?"

"Quiet, sweets. Stand back there and look pretty; I've got this one," Tonks replied, licentiously patting Harry's ass as she did. "I've been tracking him for weeks." The metamorphmagus expanded her body to seven and a half foot tall, and 25 stone of solid muscle.

"Cor..." Ron exclaimed as it became obvious Tonks's wardrobe wasn't up to this particular change in appearance. Tonks paid no attention to the randy 16-year-old.

"All right," she said. "You want a fight? You've got a fight!" And with that rather uninspired one-liner, she produced a rather magnificent whip of Fiendfyre, which, when wrapped around the creature's leg, brought him to his knees with an ear-splitting shriek.

"I yield! I yield!" the creature said, and Tonks, good sport that she was, released it from her enchantment. Mysterious creatures, however, are far too fond of monologuing to simply leave quietly.

"I will go," it said. "But know this: I will be back for what is mine. You cannot interfere with Lady Destiny!"

The creature left with a thunderous whoosh, and the room lightened once again. Harry transfigured a bathrobe out of his duvet for a rapidly-normalizing Tonks, much to Ron's dismay.

"What in the name of Merlin was that, Tonks?" Harry asked, quite afraid of the answer though he was.

"Oh, Harry," Tonks said, sitting her young charge next to him and forcibly resting his head on her breast. "I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but..."

"...you unleashed far more than Snape's anger when you stole that parchment. Things have been released that should not be mentioned in front of the young and impressionable." She nodded towards Ron, who bridled in indignation.

"Look here!" he protested. "I'm five months older than Harry!"

Tonks regarded him pityingly. "In years you may be older, Ron," she conceded. "But in experience..."

Her voice trailed off, and Harry could not help but smirk.

There was an awkward silence, broken by the door being flung open and Snape entering, cloak and greasy hair flying, with fury in his eyes.

"Potter!" he roared.

Years of confrontations with Dudley had honed Harry's fight-or-flight response, and, having faced the business end of Snape's wand with regrettable results, he chose the latter. Pushing off a curiously soft and round part of Tonks, Harry bolted under Snape's outstretched arm and out the door, skipping several steps at a time in his haste to escape his dorm. Gryffindors, apparently clueless to the unusually loud activities upstairs, watched him with growing astonishment. Harry was almost to the portrait hole when it opened in front of him, and he crashed into the one person he never expected to see at Hogwarts.


	3. Hermione's Lover

"Aunt Petunia?" he yelped. Caught in a mind-reeling haze of confusion, he forgot he was supposed to be escaping.

"Harry, I- why are you blue?" his aunt asked

"Got you, Pott- Petunia?" Snape gasped.

"Wait...You know each other?"

"Mind your business, Potter," Snape snarled.

"Let my love bunny go, Severus!" Tonks hollered from the stairs. There were chuckles from the crowd, but she stared them down.

"There he is!" screamed Marge Dursley. "There's the evil child who blew me up!"

Dolores Umbridge smiled in that creepy, satisfied way she had. "We suspected as much," she said. "Don't worry, Miss Dursley, we will take care of it." She reached to put her hand on his wrist but was stopped by someone behind Harry.

"I'll take it from here," said a well-known and feared voice as a hand firmly settled on his shoulder...

A blast like a cannon went off and the various people tugging at Harry scattered like cockroaches. He looked up in time to see Tonks run toward him. "Wha-?"

"Time to go!" she said, grabbing his arm and beckoning for Ron to follow. "Let's hope Hermione's still in the library."

"Wha - wha's going on?" Ron panted as he followed Tonks and Harry down the corridor, skipped the trick stair on the long staircase and followed them along the Library corridor.

Harry turned round as he ran and shrugged and Tonks looked as exasperated as it is possible to look while running away from numerous pursuers with your young man and his sidekick in tow.

"Just run!" she commanded.

Ron and Harry obeyed, and the three of them crashed through the door of the Library to be confronted by the sight of Hermione in a serious snogging situation with someone most unexpected.

"Ginny?" all three of them bellowed.

She and Hermione separated with a loud Pop!. "This used to be a quiet area," Ginny grumbled.

Harry didn't even have to look to know the thudding sound behind him was Ron hitting the floor in a dead faint.

"Ginny!" Tonks exclaimed. "I thought you said it would take you time to get over me."

The redhead's eyes narrowed as she took in her ex holding hands with Harry.

"Oh. Right." Tonks cleared her throat and looked around. With a flick of her wand, she sealed the door behind them and turned back. Hermione had finished buttoning up her shirt and Harry was staring at the ground, his lips pressed together in a thin line. "Hermione, did you find which book it was hidden in or were you too distracted?"

"Hidden - oh! Yes," she said, motioning to the towering stack of books on the table behind her. "I've narrowed it down to these. Snape hand wrote the counter curse and...that other thing in one of these books. Unfortunately-" She paused, giggling as Ginny sidled closer. Hermione cleared her throat again. "I think he may have written the counter curse as a riddle. These books are full of handwritten riddles which could be...something. Or not."

"That's loads of help," Ron said from the floor. A well-placed Stinging Hex from his sister shut him up.

"So now what?" Harry asked.

"Now, I get that parchment out of your pants and get to work," Tonks said.

"There's no way we'll get through all of this before they get through," Ginny said, nodding to the door. With a wave of her wand, a few of the bags the students used for shelving books came flying toward them. "Pack up."

"And how exactly are we going to get out of here?" Ron asked, except it sounded more like "Hw exmmee rw gng to gt ooww o 'ere?" because of his swollen face.

"Just because you've never properly explored Hogwarts-" Hermione began, irritated.

"Hey! I resent that!" Harry said, waving the Maurader's Map in her face.

"You explore it when you're trying to keep an eye on someone, or when you're trying to get out," Hermione snapped. "You've never explored just to see the castle. And to answer Ron's previous questions, we're going to Floo using one of the Library's fireplaces."

They packed up the books and ran to the east wing of the Library as the pounding on the door got steadily louder.

Hermione conjured a fire, and Tonks threw in the Floo powder.

"Right," Harry said. "I expect some explanations when we finally get...wherever we're going."

Tonks smiled at him and pulled him into the fire with her. "Metamorphmaus Love Shack!"


	4. Harry Potter, voice of reason

They tumbled out on the hearthrug in a heap, and Tonks pulled Harry to his feet, steering him towards her bedroom door.

"Nymphadora!" said a voice in horror. "Where on earth are you going with that child?"

Tonks turned around, letting go of Harry's hand abruptly, and pasting on a fake smile.

"Nowhere," she said in a would-be innocent tone. "What on earth are you doing here, Mum?"

Andromeda sighed dramatically. "I had nowhere else to go," she said. "Your father's left me for - for-"

With that, she collapsed in hysterics, unable to say another word.

"Oh for the love of Rowena Ravenclaw's chastity belt!" Harry bellowed, as Ginny, Hermione, and Ron came tumbling out onto the hearth. "I want answers! Why did Snape have this parchment? What do I have to do to be normal-colored Harry again? What the hell is after me? Why on earth is my aunt, sorry, why are my AUNTS at Hogwarts, and how does Aunt Petunia know Snape?" He stood there, glaring at them all and huffing and puffing.

"Goodness, he's good looking when he's angry," Hermione muttered.

"May I remind you that you're mine?" Ginny said, smirking.

"Well we could always share," Tonks mumbled.

Ron looked like he might faint again.

"ENOUGH!" Harry yelled. "NO ONE IS GETTING ANY, UNTIL I FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON!"

Even Andromeda stopped sobbing in astonishment at Harry's fury.

She looked at him critically and shook her head. "No need to shout my boy," she instructed briskly. "None of us are deaf, you know." She frowned. "Looks like a pretty standard Protection Curse to me. Still, we'd better deal with it before the more unpleasant effects kick in. I'll rustle up a potion."

She stood up and headed for the kitchen. Harry paled (that is, he turned from a nice mid-blue to a particularly sickly turquoise). "Unpleasant effects?" he quavered.

"Believe me, dear, you don't want to know," Andromeda said, popping her head out through the kitchen door, and withdrawing it almost as fast.

Tonks looked around at Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny. "Sit down," she instructed indicating the sofa. "I need to be straight with you about this. For a start, you two..." she looked at Ron and Ginny. "Do you know how to get hold of Charlie? I think we might need him pretty soon."

"Wait," Hermione began. "Is Harry going to lay a dragon egg? Because I think I may know how to make a salve to um..." She began turning bright red. "To help him recover, but I can't make it until the full moon."

"That's...that's fine," Harry said, a squeak to his voice. "Full moon's tonight." He glanced at his best friend. Ron was turning a peculiar shade of green.

"Actually, it just ended," Hermione said, frowning. "You'd have to wait three and a half weeks. In the meantime—"

"Don't tell him," Tonks said. "If it comes to that, we'll um...well, we just won't worry about it until we have to." Tonks sighed. She really had to ask Mum if she had one of those seat cushion thingies for Harry, just in case.


	5. SlutSnape

Tonks pushed the door to the kitchen open and stopped short.

"Mom! What in a flaming quaffle is going on here? What the hell are you doing with Snape?"

Andromeda disengaged her head from behind the curtain of greasy hair and looked somewhat embarrassed. "Secret Slytherin handshake?"

Snape looked as though being in a clinch with witches sitting on tables with their robes hiked up was an everyday occurrence. "It's part of the process of making the potion," he said, smoothly. "So if you don't mind?"

Harry followed Tonks into the kitchen.

"What about the potion?" he demanded, his colour deepening from turquoise through RAF blue to a particularly fetching navy. "I don't want to lay a dragon egg!"

"Oh, it may be too late to prevent that," Snape said, as he stirred the bubbling potion on the stove. He smirked nastily. "It serves you right for messing with things you will never have the brainpower to understand, Potter. Now give me my parchment back!"

Harry backed away from the fury in the potion master's eyes and Tonks intervened rapidly.

"It's too late for that, Professor," she said sternly. "As an Auror, it's my duty to turn that parchment over to the Ministry."

Snape blanched. "You wouldn't," he croaked.

"I most certainly would," she said coldly. "However, in the interest of keeping the Order's second most important member out of Azkaban, I'll just say Harry found it and turned it over to me."

Snape sneered at her and kept working.

"Going awfully slow for a self-professed Potions genius, aren't you?" Tonks remarked.

"Yeah, well I'm distracted."

"Like hell, you are. You're taking your time because it's Harry who's in trouble, Half-blood Prince. So if you don't hurry up and make this potion to the best of your abilities, there's going to be a royal decapitation," she said, pointing her wand directly at his junk.

Snape scowled, but worked faster.

"Mum, you were saying something about Dad leaving? I'll guess that that's when this happened..." she said, glancing at Snape.

"Yes," Andromeda said curtly. "He left me for...her..."

"Who Tonks?" Harry whispered.

But Andromeda shook her head.

"Not now, Nymphadora dear," she said, in what she obviously thought was a brave tone. "Not with all these children here." She emphasised the word "children" and gave her daughter a darkly significant look as she did so. "Some things are not suitable for those of tender years."

Tonks opened her mouth to argue, but her mother gave her another quelling look, and she shut it with a snap.

Then, three things happened at once.

Snape said, "Finished!" with a satisfied air, and held up a vial of potion of that shade of pink that can only ever be described as "Barbie".

The Floo cracked into life again, and Harry's Muggle aunts tumbled out onto the hearthrug panting.

And there was a knock on the door and a voice they all knew. "Come out, Andromeda! The game's up!"

"How did she get my address?" demanded Tonks, looking at her mother.

"I don't know. Probably your father. When she gets her claws into him, he's like a befuddled fourth year."

The banging got heavier. "I know what you're playing at. Having a baby won't work this time. He's mine!"

Tonks looked at the scroll and looked at her mother and Snape. "He was trying to help you?"

"Well, you know that because Dad had squeezles when he was young..."

"Measles." Tonks rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Well, we were only able to have you. Obviously we don't want dragon babies, but Severus thought there was something in that scroll that could be used to help us."

"But since Dad left anyway, now Snape's taken a more personal interest?"

"What?" Petunia Dursley's face was red with fury. "Severus, is this true? I thought we had an understanding."

Snape managed to remain apparently unpeturbed by this. "Of course we do Petunia," he said smoothly. "But you know as well as I do that our time together is - um - constrained. A man has his needs."

Petunia opened her mouth to respond, but was prevented from doing so by the door to the flat crashing open to reveal a furious-looking Madam Pomfrey.

"Severus, what is the meaning of this?" she shrieked. "I thought we had an understanding." She gave Snape no time to respond, but turned on Andromeda in fury, "As for you, you hussy, Andromeda Black, don't pretend to be sincere about wanting another child at this late stage. Have you forgotten sobbing your heart out to me about having got pregnant by mistake, and swearing you'd never let it happen again? No wonder Ted has finally had enough!"


	6. Family Togetherness

Andromeda backed away from the furious Madam Pomfrey, straight into Snape, who knocked the bubbling cauldron of bright pink potion off the stove, dousing Harry and Petunia liberally with the gloopy mixture.

"I was a mistake?" Tonks asked forlornly.

"Now I'm pink!" Harry yelped.

"Now I'm PINK!" Petunia wailed.

"Who are you calling a hussy, you homewrecker?" Andromeda accused Madam Pomfrey.

"For once, I should have listened to Sybill and stayed in bed," Snape muttered.

"We could be snogging right now," Ginny whispered to Hermione regretfully.

"Um, guys?" Harry raised his hand and pointed at himself. "I think we have an ever bigger problem than before."

"Oh yes, you do," sang a nasty voice from the still-open doorway.

"Dear Lord," Harry thought. "Pink. I'm never going to live this down, assuming I live at all. Tonks will - "

Harry received a rather pointed smack on the back of his head. "Don't go taking Our Lord's name in vain you obscene freak! Why, when you come home this Summer, Vernon and I will - "

"Wait, Aunt Petunia?" Harry asked. "You heard what I said? Because I wasn't saying it out loud."

Hermione, overhearing Harry's conversation, looked at the two of them. Then at Ron. And then she let out a long, pained sigh.

"It's a soul bond, Harry. A tough one, too."

"Again!" Harry asked.

All eyes swung towards the newcomer. He was both instantaneously recognisable yet conversely so far removed from the person they all knew that it elicited several gasps. "Harry?" asked Hermione tentatively addressing the battered and bloodied form of the new arrival. "Is that you?" "Yeah, it's me," he replied, "what's left of me," he added with a mirthless chuckle. "But - but how?" chimed in Ginny, her eyes swinging from the pink version of Harry to her left and back again to the battle scarred man stood in the doorway. "I'm from the future," he said, pulling the chain of a time turner from his neck by way of explanation, "and i've come to warn you..."

"Oh, yuck!" said pink Harry, looking with revulsion at his aunt while pulling out his wand.

"Don't do it! Petrifcus Totalus!" shouted the bloodied Harry. The pink Harry fell over and as the assembled crowd looked between the two, the bloody Harry's wounds disappeared.

"He, that is I, looked too far into Aunt Petunia's mind. He saw far too much about her fascination with Snape and hurt himself... er myself... in an attempt to get rid of the image."

Everyone looked over at the Potions master, including Andromeda, who tripped in the process. Snape grabbed her wrist to steady her, and she winced. He noticed, and slid her sleeve up to reveal...


	7. Cougar Roar

"Andromeda?" a familiar voice said, and Charlie Weasley's stocky-but-oh-so-sexy figure appeared behind the older Harry. "I came as soon as I could. What's the problem?"

"And you had the nerve to call ME a cougar!" Tonks yelled.

"Well..." Ginny said, smirking. "Takes one to know one, I suppose."

"At least Charlie is of age," Andromeda said coldly, walking over and giving Charlie a long and lingering kiss.

"So is Harry - now," Tonks retorted with impeccable logic, taking the hand of the now unbloodied and undeniably handsome older Potter.

"But-but... What about the real Harry?" stuttered Ron who, like most of us, clearly wasn't following any of this.

"No problem," said Tonks calmly, pulling out her wand and blasting pink-and-paralysed Harry into oblivion.

"Even I didn't see that coming," Hermione said.

"But...I didn't get a chance to tell him about the baby," Ron whispered.

"Don't worry," the older, and now only, Harry said. "We'll fix that soon enough."

"What the shitting hell is going on here?" Ginny asked. "And do Hermione and I really need to be here for it? Because we could be putting Tonks's waterbed to damn good use..."

"Would you like me to explain it all to you?" Harry asked, looking around at the crowded room at the slightly disheveled group of people. Everyone except Ginny nodded. Ginny just tried to sneak a hand under Hermione's robes. "Fine," Harry said. "Here's how we...um...I got into this mess."


	8. Dumbledore's Plan

The others were all looking at him expectantly. Even Marge Dursley, looking thoroughly confused, had crept into the kitchen and was trying to make herself as unobtrustive as someone who weighs nigh on twenty stone can be. Petunia looked up from where she was grizzling over the puddle of pink goo that had formerly been the younger Harry, and glared at the older one.

"Whatever you do, you can't bring him back!" she sobbed bitterly.

Harry shrugged. "But I am him," he said. "I found a spell to break the soul bond a couple of years ago in my timeline. It nearly killed me, and it... Ah." His voice trailed off.

Petunia just sobbed some more. "I wish I was dead!" she wailed.

Ron made a move to the kettle, Ginny unearthed some teabags and Charlie found some milk. The others regarded the threee Weasleys rather as if they were engaging in some pagan sacrificial ritual. Charlie spread his hands wide and looked innocent.

"Tea," he said, as if that were sufficient explanation. Ron and Ginny nodded. "Mum says it helps anything."

"All right," Harry began. "It all started with Dumbledore—"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Figures that old meddler would have something to do with this. What's he done now?"

Harry chuckled. "If you think this is bad, wait till you see what he has planned for the end of the year and most of next." Harry cleared his throat. "Anyway, the parchment was borrowed from the Department of Mysteries so Voldemort couldn't get a hold of it. Apparently, he was debating ;etting this whole kill the Muggle borns thing drop when Snape let it slip at a Death Eater meeting that his father's a Muggle."

"He...what?" Andromeda asked. "No wonder I found him attractive back then." Blushing as everyone turned to her, she waved at Harry. "Go on, then."

"Right, well, he wanted to find a spell to make every Pureblood family have between six and ten kids every generation, not even just the evil Purebloods. Of course, he realized the Weasleys would have their own village by then, but he was apparently prepared to donate money to create a Weasley House at Hogwarts, just to handle all of Molly and Arthur's grandchildren."

Ron nodded. "If Mum has her way, someone will have to get on that anyway."

"For some reason, Dumbledore thought it was his job to stop the plan, though, come to think of it, it's not all that evil to want to increase the magical population. It's not like he was going to tell people to raise their kids evil or anything." Harry paused, looking thoughtful. "Anyway, problem is, ancient texts like these are cursed and Dumbledore had to get Snape to help him remove some of the nastier ones."

"Because he didn't wear gloves like I told him to," Snape supplied. "Honestly, why does no one ever listen to me?"

"I listen to you," Petunia said, batting her eyelashes at him.

"Outside of bed," Snape amended.

Harry choked back bile and continued. "I was in Snape's office for...Remedial Potions," Harry said, throwing a giant wink at Snape.

"Ugh, don't tell me you're sleeping with him too," Madam Pomfrey said. "We'll need another round of testing for Purple Blister Herpes."

"No," Harry shouted. "He touched me when he was drunk once, but it was awkward, not arousing. Anyway, I spied the parchment when Snape was in the loo and remembered hearing Tonks talk about how it had gone missing. I couldn't remember why she said it was dangerous, so I decided to leave it there. Apparently, the thing didn't want to be left. It appeared in my trunk when I got back to my room earlier tonight."

"Ah," Tonks nodded. "Something about that damned pure spirit of yours. It knew you would return it to its rightful place."

"Or you were fated to give birth to a dragon," Ron supplied.

"Just drink your tea or I'll hex you again," Ginny said. Squealing, Ron complied.

"That doesn't explain the creature in your room or why your aunts were after you," Hermione said.

Harry sighed. "The document is supposed to be guarded by that creature. When it was inside Dumbledore and Snape's offices, there were protections that kept the creature from sensing where it was, but in Gryffindor Tower, it was unguarded. Thankfully, this house has the proper protections or it would be after me again."

Harry motioned to the women in question. "As for my aunts, they're just batshit crazy."

"No. Severus told me you were standing in the way of my being happy with him. And Ted. And possibly Mr. Ollivander if he'd be into it," Petunia said.

Marge shrugged. "I'll do anything against you if it's what my brother wants."

"That's settled, then," Harry said.

Tonks rubbed Harry's chest and leaned against his side. "How old are you now, love?"

"Thirty," Harry said proudly.

"Ooh, I love older men." She leaned up and said something into Harry's ear. He blushed and backed up, fiddling with the front of his robes. "Later." He turned to his friend. "Ron, you want to tell everyone about the baby now?"


	9. Ron's Baby

He nodded. When he realized the cups of tea were getting low, he set about refilling the kettle and heating more water.

"Stop stalling," Hermione said. "Get on with it."

"Right...f-fine," he stuttered. "It all started with those duplication spells we were learning in Transfiguration. I could never get the wand movement right."

"You learned it well enough for the exam," Hermione reminded him.

"No, I thought I had it in practice, but after that explosion they deferred the rest of the exams, then we ended up in the Department of Mysteries the day before the make up exam so I never got to test it properly, did I?" Ron asked. "Anyway, when we were in Potions, I asked Harry to show me the movement again."

"Because of your steadfast dedication to your education," Snape asked. He sported a rare smile. Uncomfortable, Ron found himself blush. Something about Snape's voice, but he wouldn't think about that now. Or ever. Until later.

"Actually, yes. It's been driving me bonkers that I can't do the spell. So, Harry was showing me in the middle of making that weird potion, what was it?"

"Ron was making Draught of Living Death...I was trying to make Elixir of Life, with some notes from my text," Harry admitted. It was all right. He's no longer a child. It's not as if Snape could give him detention now. Not without a fight.

"Somehow, when he was showing me the movement, a little of Harry's potion spilled on another student. I didn't even realize until later that we'd both done better than I thought at silent spell casting," Ron said.

"So it's someone in our class," Hermione said. She snorted. "Please tell me it's Draco. If you've got a baby with him...well, I'll be the first to wish you well," she said, cracking up on the last word.

Ron sniffed. "I wasn't sitting that close to the ferret." He glanced at Harry, but the now older wizard gave nothing away. "So...at first I thought everything would be all right," Ron said. "Then I started noticing all these weird changes."

"Like glowing skin," Ginny supplied.

Ron nodded.

"And bigger breasts."

He nodded again, this time with a smile. "She'd never been that attractive before, so I should've known something strange was going on. I didn't want to believe it at first, but when I talked to Professor McGonagall, she did a quick spell and confirmed it for me." He turned and pulled out his wand to defend himself. "Hermione, you're pregnant."

"What?" Her screech was loud enough to break two of the tea cups. "You got me pregnant?"

"Actually," Ron lifted his wand and took a step back. "You're pregnant from both me and Harry."

"Twins?" Ginny turned to her lover, frowning as she imagined how big Hermione would get.

"Actually, no," Harry put in. "We're just both the father. He'll have black hair like mine and blue eyes like Ron's and we'll call him Daniel. Daniel Harry Weasley Potter Granger. Or Granger Weasley Potter. Or maybe we'll just hypenate it. The boy ends up with three birth certificates. That's why I came back. He's smart like Hermione and strong like me," Harry said, smiling. "Unfortunately, he'll also be short like Ron when he was young—at least, he was still quite small for his age when I travelled back to today."

The End


End file.
